Property professionals: What to do when you know someone is not okay

What if you say something, then that makes it worse?

There is a completely normal sense of panic around the idea of this happening. And for too many of us, the way we deal with that fear is to rationalise it with “I’m sure they’re fine. I don’t need to ask, they’ll let me know.”

The idea of sitting down and having a big conversation like this also feels heavy and pretty terrifying.

So we stay silent. And increasingly, that silence has devastating consequences.

So how can you ask ‘safely’when you sense that a friend is struggling? What can you do that will be useful but not overbearing? And how do we, as normal humans without psychology degrees, help someone who we can see is clearly not coping?

My youngest son, Charlie, now 26, went through a very tough bout of depression that began in his early 20s. Watching your child descend into a mental illness is truly an awful thing.

You want to fix your kid, give them a shake, tell them to cheer up, sort themselves out, get their life in order – but all the normal parental approaches do not work.

There is also the harrowing internal dialogue with yourself, wondering, “Is this on us as parents? Is it something we did?”. The desire to bury your head in the sand to avoid blame is overwhelming.

At the time, I had just started working with The Rise Initiative, and my world was opening up about the power of simple conversations, the importance of having the language and words to describe feelings, and understanding what was going on in my brain and body when under stress.

The things I have learned with Rise – and these are Charlie’s words – saved his life. Here’s what I learned:

1. Trust your tummy compass

We all know when something feels off with a loved one, but it’s easy to rationalise that they are just going through something. You ask if they’re okay. They say they’re fine and close the conversation.

But you know something feels off. Their behaviour has changed. They’re lightning quick on the anger, they’re withdrawn, they’re drinking more than they should, they’re taking sick days from work but seem physically fine, they won’t, or can’t get out of bed. There are so many ways it can show up.

It’s the noticing that they do not seem to be able to course correct that matters. Trust your gut instinct.

2. Tell them you’ve noticed

Being seen is hugely powerful to us as humans. To open up a conversation, telling people what you’ve noticed changes in their behaviour is one of the most powerful ways to engage.

One of the hallmarks of a poor mental health moment – because these things do not have to be permanent - is that we get caught up in our own heads, and our own repetitive and difficult thought patterns are our exclusive reality.

Sharing what you have observed has changed in their behaviour, and that you can see they seem unhappy, angry, frustrated, withdrawn, depressed, or upset, can be a powerful way to get through and tells them they are not invisible. They are seen.

3. Take them for a walk

This is a technique that was taught to me by a colleague when I was a young Mum. I grew up in a family of girls, so the idea of someone being upset and the rest of us grabbing her and a coffee – or later wine – and chatting over the kitchen table or on the couch until the universe realigned on its axis was completely second nature to me.

Then I became the mother of boys with an English husband. Wow. Wrong tool kit.

The advice I was given was that most people find it easier to have a deep and meaningful conversation when they are physically occupied and are NOT looking you in the eyes.

So a good way to get a person who isn’t great at sharing to open up is to go for a walk, or a drive, or do some kind of activity where you’re side by side and lightly occupied.

Get engaged in the activity and then make an observation about their behaviour and ask the question. It can be easier to unburden our hearts when we don’t have to see the shock on the face of the person we are talking to.

I made Charlie come and walk the dogs with me on what we now call That Important Day. As we walked in the sunshine, and I described my observations about his behaviour and how much that worried me, he opened up about the terrifying black morass that was in his head for the first time.

Being able to watch the doggy tails waggling ahead of us kept us both grounded and is something I will be forever grateful for.

4. Hold space. Create support.

So you’ve asked if they’re okay. They have said they are not and shared what they’re going through. Maybe it’s a small issue. It’s possible it’s a major bombshell. What do you do next?

This next step is the most difficult because we are programmed as humans to want to help, to fix things. But right here and now, that is not our job.

The most important thing to remember is NOT to jump in. Most people believe that being a good listener is about waiting for your cue to share your experiences, so the other person can benefit from your experiences. But for the love of Pete and all that is hol,y do NOT do that at these moments.

Instead, shut up. Take a breath. Take a second breath.

Say: “Oh, that sounds hard.”

And wait.

As a good girl and a fixer, when Charlie and I got to this stage, the temptation to dive in and overwhelm with reassurance, hugs, the issuing of orders, booking psychologists and explaining how it reminded me of things I’d gone through was absolutely overwhelming.

But that was me being triggered as a mum.

If I’d defaulted, it would not have changed anything. This was a young man needing a new toolkit to work his own way through what he was experiencing so that any solution would stick. I couldn’t do it for him. Owwwww!!!

If we can think of it not as listening, but as holding space, it becomes more manageable.

I waited. I held the space until Charlie started to describe not just the blackness, but about his fear of the darkness and how he didn’t want to think like that any more.

Speaking the words aloud in the fresh air and sunshine, they started gradually to drop and lose their sting. To not say anything at all during that time and to listen without judgement or interruption was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. But this wasn’t about me.

5. Encourage action. Suggest tools. Offer support

Acknowledging what you have heard. Confirming the weight of it. Asking if the person feels ready to take steps to move away from it, and confirming that you’re here to support them through it without taking over - this is the next stage.

This can be a delicate point because when your brain is under stress, telling someone else what help you need is a cognitive load that you may legitimately not be able to think through.

So, providing options to the person in distress can be helpful. For Charlie and I, it went along the lines of:

“Sweetheart, thank you for sharing that with me. I can’t imagine how scary and hard that has been for you. I want you to hear that it’s not sustainable for you to be thinking that way.”

We let that land and pondered it.

“We’ve talked in the past about you seeing a counsellor. It feels like now would be a really good time to set that up.” He agreed.

“Is that something you would like to do, or would you like me to find someone and make an appointment?”

He agreed I should make the initial appointment, and I confess I drove him to the first one. But within two visits, he took control and began his journey back to wellness.

6. Everyone in real estate has a mental wellness tool in their pocket

Finding a counsellor in a timely fashion in these times of heightened anxiety is currently very difficult in Australia, especially in regional areas. That is why The Rise Initiative created the Real Care app.

The Real Care app is a mental wellness tool that provides proactive support to build resilience, reduce stress and teach skills to stop bad moments from becoming bad days and bad days from becoming bad weeks or months.

Most importantly, it includes three free and completely confidential phone counselling sessions with a trained counsellor. These can be used at any time. You do not need to wait until a crisis.

Sometimes an early intervention can prevent years of pain. Or you can speak to a counsellor about a loved one or family member whose behaviour concerns you, to get advice on the best way to manage through it.

Being able to say to a friend at a key time – "Have you seen this app?", and sharing it at a time of need (there’s a simple share button in the app.)

Building awareness, finding the words, learning the techniques and recognising the signs to better deal with mental discomfort before it becomes mental illness, is one of the most important things all of us can learn.

Kylie Davis is the coordinator of the Rise Initiative, president of the Proptech Association Australia and CEO of Proptech Guru